(REPREAL) - Reacting angrily to the latest news of a celebrity experiencing an accidental injury, Quincy Magoo, 84, clumsily stepped up to the podium and began speaking into his cup of coffee. Once directed to the microphone, he ranted: “As many of you know from covering my career, I invented driving off a cliff. I invented pratfalls and hilarious injuries. I invented letting the cat steer the car. All due to my poor vision.”
“News today on ESPN that West Virginia’s Men’s basketball Coach Bob Huggins tripped and fell in a Las Vegas hotel room, and broke seven ribs as a result of taking medication on an empty stomach is the last straw! I plan to sue.”
Mr Magoo failed to mention on what grounds he would bring legal action.
Dropping back into his jovial Thurston Howell, III, voice, Mr. Magoo continued, “For many years I have had to put up with real and imagined bumbling fools having accidents - nearly a Who’s Who of politicians and actors.”
“Of course, there are the class acts like Red Skelton, President Gerald Ford, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin and Mr. Bean. Though they owe me a debt of gratitude for pioneering the field.”
Mr. Magoo then chided, “But then there are the pill-poppers and drunks. Many have cheapened the falls and accidents by blaming drugs and alcohol. I will not allow my Brand to be affected by these amateurs such as Lindsey Lohan and Coach Bob Huggins.”
"If Dick Cheney or Bob Knight shoot friends in their faces while hunting, know that they stole that from me circa 1974. Theirs are pathetic grabs for the media glare. So undignified," Mr. Magoo said shaking his fist while speaking to a floor lamp.
"Good luck getting them to do their own stunts like I did, driving on the tracks of a roller coaster without cup holders for our beverages! God, those were the days, eh, Waldo?!"
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