Mr. Magoo Threatens Legal Action

By Ramon de la Prensa

New York | Fri July 30, 2010 10:24am

(REPREAL) - Reacting angrily to the latest news of a celebrity experiencing an accidental injury, Quincy Magoo, 84, clumsily stepped up to the podium and began speaking into his cup of coffee. Once directed to the microphone, he ranted: “As many of you know from covering my career, I invented driving off a cliff. I invented pratfalls and hilarious injuries. I invented letting the cat steer the car. All due to my poor vision.”

“News today on ESPN that West Virginia’s Men’s basketball Coach Bob Huggins tripped and fell in a Las Vegas hotel room, and broke seven ribs as a result of taking medication on an empty stomach is the last straw!  I plan to sue.”

Mr Magoo failed to mention on what grounds he would bring legal action.

Dropping back into his jovial Thurston Howell, III, voice, Mr. Magoo continued, “For many years I have had to put up with real and imagined bumbling fools having accidents - nearly a Who’s Who of politicians and actors.”

“Of course, there are the class acts like Red Skelton, President Gerald Ford, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin and Mr. Bean. Though they owe me a debt of gratitude for pioneering the field.”

Mr. Magoo then chided, “But then there are the pill-poppers and drunks. Many have cheapened the falls and accidents by blaming drugs and alcohol. I will not allow my Brand to be affected by these amateurs such as Lindsey Lohan and Coach Bob Huggins.”

“I call on all my fans and the media to keep a vigilant watch out for the copycats and report them as frauds. Do not pay them any extra attention. Let them videotape their own antics and post them on YouTube, but that doesn’t mean we have to watch them.”

"If Dick Cheney or Bob Knight shoot friends in their faces while hunting, know that they stole that from me circa 1974.  Theirs are pathetic grabs for the media glare. So undignified," Mr. Magoo said shaking his fist while speaking to a floor lamp.

"Good luck getting them to do their own stunts like I did, driving on the tracks of a roller coaster without cup holders for our beverages! God, those were the days, eh, Waldo?!"

No-Show Rate Highest on Early Morning Flights

By Amber Wahrnung

Oakland | Thu July 29, 2010 3:20pm

(REPREAL) – Disheveled and in tears, Melissa Sanders, 45, gathered her carry-on luggage and moved away from the Southwest Airlines ticket counter in Oakland, CA. She had just missed the cut off for flight #1263 departing at 6:00am from Oakland to San Diego.

Like many other travelers, Ms. Sanders thought she could actually be on time for an early morning flight. The no-show rate for flights departing between 6:00am and 7:00am is nearly 20% higher than the rest of the day and airlines often overbook in anticipation of tardy passengers missing their flights.

Survey Junky released statistics today painting a disturbing picture of Americans constantly setting themselves up for failure. Spokesperson Jeff Leer explained, “It ranks up there as high as the failure rate for activities such as completing a marathon, losing weight, and making money in a multi-level marketing venture.”

“It is inhuman to wake up early enough to make a 6:00am flight. Passengers must allow enough time to shower, pack, drive to the airport, park their cars in long-term lots, check-in at the counter, go through security, and find their gate. Schedule an extra hour if you are traveling with children.”

Mr. Leer continued, “Smaller, regional airports are little more forgiving with shorter check-in and security lines. But the drawback is you will likely need to make one or two connections to reach your ultimate destination.”

Passenger Thomas Paine, 23, who made it on flight # 1263, said it took extra planning to arrive on time. “I considered just pulling an all-nighter. It made sense, since I had the alarm set for 3:30am and was out with friends until 11:30pm. I got a little sleep.”

“I cut some corners, like not shaving and not changing clothes, but I made it!” he said gleefully.

“This is flight 1263,” asked Daisy Pato, 39, “Right?” Ms. Pato planned to go to bed extra early and wake up at 4:00am. “I tossed and turned all night wondering if I would miss the flight. Around midnight, I took a sleeping pill. That made waking up nearly impossible. My husband carried me to the car.”

Jen Bacchus, 62, Southwest Airlines crew leader in Oakland, conceded that 6:00am flights are brutal. “As an incentive, we offer the lowest prices for travel on these early morning flights, and we open up the most seats for free redemption to our frequent travelers at these times.”

When asked if Southwest Airlines employees were on-time for early morning flights, Ms. Bacchus reported “Yes, our crews have a low no-show rate, especially if they live locally. Strict FAA rules ensure flight crews have sufficient rest before a 6:00am flight - at least eight hours of continuous rest in a 24-hour period. Some pilots have opted to live in trailers and RV’s in the long-term lots at LAX, and that works marvelously for everyone.”

With a daughter’s dance recital the previous evening and an 8:00am sales strategy meeting in San Diego the next morning, Irene Potter had no other option. “I had to take this flight or miss my meeting. Once I have a Bloody Mary I will probably be OK, but at this moment I want to lay off the whole Western Region for scheduling this meeting.”

Ms. Sanders discussed her options if she expected to be in San Diego today. She could pay an extra $164 and leave on the next flight # 491 at 6:45am or go standby, with no guarantee of making it, on the flight # 652 at 12:15pm. “I chose to go standby at 12:15pm. I am going to take a nap near the gate and cross my fingers. Hope there is a Starbucks past security.”

Southwest Airlines Offers Passengers to Fly Jets

By Johann Glauber
Chicago | Wed July 28, 2010 4:45pm

(REPREAL) - Not to be outdone by Lufthansa and Continental Airlines, which are two air carriers implementing self-boarding at gates, Southwest Airlines aims to go one step further and enact self-flying. Just swipe your pilot’s license at the automated machines at any “You Fly It” gate, and you will have a fueled Boeing 737 that has been pre-flight checked and ready to push back for take off.

“Southwest passengers are already accustomed to printing out their own boarding passes and finding their own seats on our flights,” explained Chicago-based Southwest Airlines spokesperson Claire Zweifelt, “Many can recite the safety instructions by heart. We suspect that many are eager and ready to assume control of the cockpit.”

“From our research, United Airlines allows passengers to listen to the pilot and co-pilot converse with air traffic control. Most business travelers have the air traffic lingo down pat. The natural progression is for the passenger to fly the plane him or herself.”

“Southwest is migrating out of the service business and moving toward empowering customers to meet their own transportation needs,” Zweifelt continued, “Budget, National and a few other car rental agencies allow their frequent renters to choose their own vehicle on the lot and go. C’mon. Do you expect Hertz to drive the car for you?”

An independent survey of costs showed the potential for over $350 million in savings annually for Southwest Airlines from reduced pilot salaries and cutbacks in flight crews.

“Safety is priority # 1,” Zweifelt said, “From wheels up to landing, Southwest Airlines plans to make available in the cockpit written and recorded step-by-step instructions in English and Spanish guiding the passenger as they fly the jets to their destinations.”

“We wanted to be the first to let passengers fly the planes. We re-focused on our past advertising campaigns about Freedom to move about the country.”

“Go where you want to go, when you want to go, and choose the route!” Zweifelt explained excitedly, “Connect in cities you want to connect in. Who wants to connect in Newark? Avoid the craziness of O’Hare and DFW! I, myself, can’t wait to fly to New Orleans and Orlando.”

FAA and Homeland Security approval are the last major hurdles for Southwest Airlines to enact its new policies allowing passengers to fly planes.